Pain Haiku #2

>>>::<<<
dark clouds swallow me
relentlessly tormenting
pain monsters
>>>::<<<

Several weeks have passed and the elevated, intense pain symptoms persist.  The list of places in my body without pain is shorter than the list of places experiencing pain.  This recent increase is explainable.  There have been a few unexpected setbacks, and I need to continue therapy, stretches and treatments to get me back on track.

In one of my pain psychology sessions a while back, I showed my psychologist some doodles I had created, which included some emotional situations involving…of course…pain.  One of the recommendations he had in addition to doing artwork regarding emotional situations is to draw an alternate scenario.  For example, he asked how I would draw myself if I had more “power ” and said that drawing an alternate scenario can help you figure out an alternate in real life.  So here it is…my alternate scenario:

>>>::<<<
pulverize the beasts
banish to oblivion
a bright new day
>>>::<<<

Pain is only one type of monster persisting right now.  What kinds of monsters are persisting (or have persisted in the past) for you?

Pain Haiku

>>>::<<<
pain advances
like shadows grow through the day
a new day has not dawned
>>>::<<<

Lately, there has been quite an increase in chronic pain and other symptoms.  I hope for the day when decreased pain will give me some freedom and independence.  In the meantime, I must continue treatments, therapy, stretches and mind/body exercises, including taking pain breaks with what I call my “nature, photography, and creativity meditation.”

Take a Break #2

Camera+Doodle 1, a photo by Fergiemoto on Flickr.  (click on photo to enlarge)

>>:::<<
the harder we try
the more evasive the problem
try by not trying
>>:::<<

We all need to take breaks, regardless of what we are doing.  I’ve experienced the mental blocks at work where I needed to walk away from a problem and come back to it later with a different perspective.  I’ve had the “creativity block” where I just cannot think of a haiku to write, a subject for a blog post, or an image I wanted to work on and what to do with it.  Sometimes trying to get rid of anxiety and giving it attention makes the anxiety even worse.  With chronic pain, sometimes meditation or a diversion will help temporarily reduce the pain.

There are countless examples where we need breaks. Getting an answer is part of trusting, without being critical, that putting it aside for a while will bring an answer.

I created this image above, which is a combination of a doodle and a photo of a Western Scrub Jay that visits us daily for peanuts.  This is my first attempt at what I have been calling a Camera+Doodle.  I have more in mind and it is the result of something different I wanted to do.  In fact, it was the result of “try by not trying.”

This scrub jay does come very close to us, but I noticed the harder I try to get him to come closer, the more distance he leaves between us.  If I just ignore him and go about my business, he usually comes closer.  He has yet to take food from my hand, but one of the squirrels here will gently take peanuts from me.  Also, a chickadee landed on my hand last fall, picked up a peanut, paused and looked at me for a few seconds before leaving.  The closest this scrub jay came to me was recently when I was feeding the squirrel. He landed beside me, looked right at me and squawked as if to say, “Hey!  That’s MY peanut!”  The squawk made the poor little squirrel jump, and he scampered away.

Some day this scrub jay will take a peanut from me, just like in the image above.  I just have to be patient and “try by not trying.”

Do you have examples of “try by not trying” that you would be willing to share?  I’d love to know about it!

Linking up with:
WILD BIRD WEDNESDAY

Addressing Emotional Pain #6 – Flashbacks

Squirrel Spinning, a photo by Fergiemoto on Flickr.  (click on photo to enlarge)
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>>:::<<
a sudden rewind
engulfs me in a whirlwind
flashback
>>:::<<

Do you experience flashbacks of traumatic, sad or other painful events?

A description of flashbacks is:

a psychological phenomenon in which an individual has a sudden, usually powerful, re-experiencing of a past experience or elements of a past experience. These experiences can be happy, sad, exciting, or any other emotion one can consider. The term is used particularly when the memory is recalled involuntarily, and/or when it is so intense that the person ‘relives’ the experience, unable to fully recognize it as memory and not something that is happening in ‘real time.’  Flashbacks are the ‘personal experiences that pop into your awareness, without any conscious, premeditated attempt to search and retrieve this memory.’  (Source: Wikipedia)

I have grouped painful flashbacks as part of  the “addressing emotional pain” category because I’ve learned through my pain psychology sessions that they are handled similarly to emotional pain.  In previous postings, I included some of the tools that can help with painful emotions, including having an awareness of the body and how it is feeling, physically and emotionally.

Certain situations (events, places, smells, comments, time of year, etc.) can trigger flashbacks.  They can be very uncomfortable and lead to feelings like fear, sadness, anxiety, panic attacks, etc.  There are a few situations that trigger flashbacks for me.  They can go as far as feeling anxiety, and a couple even resulted in panic attacks.

A flashback can feel very real, and your body may think it is a real event.  When a flashback occurs, what are some things we can do to get through it?  The key thing to remember is that the traumatic event in the flashback is not happening now even though the emotions, fears, and physical responses may be the same.  Over time, the reactions to the flashbacks will diminish.  Some with take more work than others.  The goal is to get to the point where they are “just memories” and that’s it.  Here are some things to consider:

• Breathe and practice relaxation techniques
• Allow your body to feel what is happening and have a curious acceptance about those feelings.
• Use some of the tools I’ve talked about to address emotional pain like mindfulness meditation, body awareness, guided imagery, etc.  Click here to see more examples.
• Have empathy for yourself and coach yourself through it calmly and objectively.  For example, some of the things I’m learning to say to myself are:
  • “I wonder what this means.”  (This is an important one for me because it involves seeking guidance from our inner advisor, which I’ve also posted about before.)
  • “What was the trigger?”
  • “I am remembering things very vividly, but it is not happening to me now.”
  • “This is uncomfortable, I hate it, but I got through this before and I will get through it again.”
  • “It will not kill me.”
  • “I have the skills and tools to help me, and I know how to use them.”

Although coping with some of my flashbacks still need more work, there are a few that now carry no emotion, no hurt, and no anxiety if the memories occur…they have gradually become “just memories!”

If you have experienced painful flashbacks, what methods have helped you get through it?

Anxiety, Emotions and Opening To Them

The guidance in this posting was prepared and provided to me by my Craniosacral Therapist (CST, LMT).  She has given me permission to include it in this blog either in verbatim or paraphrased.  (FYI – I first posted about my initial experience with CST here.)

My CST has been treating me for many physical issues over the last couple of years including chronic pain in several areas of my body, and recovery from multiple surgeries.  Weekly craniosacral and massage therapy sessions from her, regular pain psychology sessions from a licensed psychologist, and periodic acupuncture treatments from a licensed acupuncturist, have provided me with the majority of improvements and answers concerning my recent health issues.

Since the body and the mind are connected, professionals and exercises in both areas are essential for my healing.  My CST said it is important to note that she is not a psychologist, and that her work includes how the mind and psyche (such as anxiety, emotions, thoughts, feelings) enter and affect the body physically.  Her expertise and treatments have been very helpful for me.  The information here is based on her personal experiences and materials she has come across over the years in bodywork trainings, meditation trainings, and teachings she has heard.  I thank her for allowing me to include her experiences here.  (This image below is a doodle I did to introduce her information.)

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When you feel a strong emotion arise:

1)  Focus on your breath.  Connect with the physical sensations of breathing in your body.  Do you feel your chest rise and fall, do you feel the breath rush past places in your sinuses or down the back of your throat?  Any place you can feel the breath enter and leave, focus there.  Your breath is your anchor to the present moment.  It’s impossible to breath in the past or future where your mind and/or body often want to go in their remembering or anticipating.  To invite yourself fully into the present moment, focus on your breath.  Note how your breath feels and what you notice.  After noting awareness, invite your breath to gradually become slower, deeper, more relaxed and more regular.  I often repeat those four parts to myself when I feel increased anxiety…slower, deeper, more relaxed and more regular. Give yourself several minutes of this practice to slow down.  Dr. Andrew Weil teaches this practice as a way to turn off fight or flight response in the body.  You may be able to find more information on his website or look for his Breathing: Master Key to Self Healing series.

Emotion: Feeling Angry?

Squirrel Anger, a photo by Fergiemoto on Flickr.  (click on photo to enlarge)

>>:::<<
volcano surges
lava guided to safe path
disaster averted
>>:::<<

Feeling angry?  Have you ever been so angry that you felt like punching something (like this little squirrel appears to be feeling)?

Feeling angry is not bad.  Remember, experiencing a variety of emotions depending on our circumstances, is a fact of life.  They are going to happen and they need to happen, and are a natural occurrence.  Anger is an intense emotion and can carry a great deal of force and energy with it.  If we bottle this energy inside us, it will come out later in one way or another, such as lashing out at others or as health problems, for example.  A number of tools exist that can help us analyze and express negative emotions, including anger, in a safe and healthy way.  Trying to stop the energy from anger may feel like trying to stop a hurricane, but, no, punching someone is NOT ok.

It’s important to recognize that anger is generally a secondary emotion, which I discussed in a previous posting.   Anger is usually a response to a primary emotion or situation, and when we analyze our anger, we may discover that there are different emotions and feelings at the core, such as shame, fear, worry, guilt, embarrassment, etc.  (If we assume the little squirrel above is angry, what could be it’s primary emotion?  Fear, perhaps?)

Previously, I listed a number of tools that I keep in my toolbox to help analyze and address emotions.  There are numerous other ways that also exist, and each of us needs to find the tools, or combination of tools that work for us.  I’ve listed these before, but here is a handful of tools that may help:

• Managing symptoms by expression:
  • Talk out your emotions with a good friend or relative who is willing to listen
  • Write about your feelings in a journal or through poetry
  • Cry.  It is “part of a healthy emotional healing process”
  • Express your feelings through art, photography or crafts (like I did with the squirrel photo above)
• Do some kind of exercise like walking, jogging, aerobics, etc., that can use the emotional energy associated with the anger and move it out of your body
• Practice deep breathing exercises; meditate
• Addressing Emotional Pain #2 – Tools
• Addressing Emotional Pain #4 – Secondary Emotions

Finding safe and healthy ways to release painful and negative emotions from our bodies creates space for more positive emotions to move in, and more peace within our life.

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What are some of the ways you have found to help manage anger?
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Related article(s):

• Anger – Recovery Thru My Lens

Listening to Your Inner Advisor

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The Master observes the world 
but trusts his inner vision.
He allows things to come and go.
His heart is open as the sky.
~ Lao Tzu

Conversation with Myself, a photo by Fergiemoto on Flickr.  (click on photo to enlarge)
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>>:::<<
a resonating voice
soundless yet influential
listen and trust it
>>:::<<

Have you ever looked inside yourself to find answers to your questions, whether it’s help with a problem, a project, making decisions, finding out what’s behind some of our health issues and what we need to heal, determining the reason for certain recurring memories, or even why some situations seem to trigger strong emotions, etc.?  Our questions can involve a variety of issues, and sometimes the answers you receive can be very surprising, as depicted in my photo above.

Those who understand or practice mind/body exercises like meditation or guided imagery probably understand how important it is to consult and trust our inner voices, ie., tapping into our subconscious for help (also referred to as our “inner advisor” or “inner physician” – I like to use the term “inner advisor,” which I introduced in my posting here about a year ago ).  This also helps build and strengthen our intuition.

Acceptance

Golden Eagle, a photo by Fergiemoto on Flickr.  (click on photo to enlarge)

>>:::<<
no fences to confine
yet unable to soar great heights
acceptance
>>:::<<

Recently, we visited a local aviary that had two resident golden eagles, this being one of them.  At first, we found it odd that their exhibit was in the open, with no fencing to keep them from flying away.  There was only a short fence to keep visitors at a distance.  Then we read the information posted about them.  Both eagles had lost one of their wings in the wild and were unable to fly, and unable to leave.  The eagle in this photo kept trying to fly, though.  Each time, it would position itself for takeoff, spread it’s wing, jump off the log, crash hard to the ground, and clumsily pick itself up and jump back on the log.  The other eagle did not attempt to fly while we were there.  These eagles will never be able to soar majestically to great heights again…at least not on their own.

Regardless of how hard we try, there are things we may never be able to do again, whether the restriction is physical, or the risk of physical or emotional injury far exceeds the benefits of persisting.  There may also be other stressful situations in our life that are out of our control and that we are unable to change.  Although difficult, acceptance is key.  Then we can decide what to do about the situation, and determine the best course of action that allows us to move forward in a healthier way.

What are some things you have had to accept?

Emotion: Feeling Irritable?

Irritable #2, a photo by Fergiemoto on Flickr.  (click on photo to enlarge)

>>:::<<
nerves yearning for fly swatters
while tormented by hornets
irritable
>>:::<<

Are you feeling extra touchy?  (male finch on the left with the evil eye)
Do others feel like they are walking on eggshells around you?  (female finch on the right)

Irritability is a normal emotion depending on your condition, health, stressors, hormones, etc.  Here are some tools and links that may help with the emotion:

• Managing symptoms by expression helps reduce tension and irritability:
  • Talk out your emotions with a good friend or relative
  • Write about your feelings in a journal or through poetry
  • Cry.  It is “part of a healthy emotional healing process”
  • Express yourself through art, photography or crafts
• Exercise regularly
• Practice deep breathing exercises
• Maintain healthy eating habits
• Addressing Emotional Pain #2 – Tools
• Addressing Emotional Pain #4 – Secondary Emotions

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How do you manage irritability?  Please share.

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Emotion: Lonely

Lonely, a photo by Fergiemoto on Flickr.  (click on photo to enlarge)

>>:::<<
Calm, cool water
embracing each drop of rain
The lake hides my tears
>>:::<<

Expanding on my last post about “loneliness” versus “aloneness” I’m using this photo to represent both being alone and being lonely.  By the way, does anyone know what kind of bird this is?

(I’m using one of my artwork “tools” again to help address emotions.  See my posting on Addressing Emotional Pain #2 – Tools.)

Other postings in my “Emotion:” series:

• Emotion: Anger
• Emotion: Loneliness (vs Aloneness)
• Emotion: Fear
• Emotion: Discouraged
• Emotion: DoWnS and uPs
• Emotion: Irritable
• Emotion: Anticipation
• Emotion: Joy

Emotion: Loneliness (versus Aloneness)

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As they pertain to emotions, my interpretation of  “aloneness” and “loneliness” are:

• Aloneness – a geographical separation, apartness or isolation from other people (your health condition can contribute or cause you to be separate and alone); a mental separation from others (such as being focused in an activity by yourself).
• Loneliness – a separation from others due to a lack of connection with people, or lacking emotional support, compassion and encouragement.

This first photo demonstrates “aloneness” to me. Even though one can feel alone and lonely at the same time, I get a feeling of peace, calmness, content and warmth from looking at this photo. The butterfly is alone and immersed in collecting nectar, but does not appear to be lonely at all.

Sweet Butterfly, a photo by Fergiemoto on Flickr.  (click on photo to enlarge)

I used the second photo below to demonstrate emotional loneliness. Even though people may be physically very close, the emotional distance between them can be as far apart as the planet Pluto is from the Sun. They are not looking at each other, they are not connecting, they are not listening to each other, and they may not be supporting each other emotionally. I also feel a lack of compassion. The snow and ice also adds to the coldness of this photo.

Cold Chickadees, a photo by Fergiemoto on Flickr.  (click on photo to enlarge)

>>:::<<
Sitting together
an admirable closeness
Deafening silence
>>:::<<

I’m using one of my artwork “tools” again to help address emotions.  See my posting on Addressing Emotional Pain #2 – Tools.

Other postings in my “Emotion:” series:

• Emotion: Anger
• Emotion: Fear
• Emotion: Discouraged
• Emotion: DoWnS and uPs
• Emotion: Irritable
• Emotion: Anticipation
• Emotion: Joy

Emotion: Discouraged

Discouraged, a photo by Fergiemoto on Flickr.  (click on photo to enlarge)

>>:::<<
Vicissitudes swarm
Thriving on a carousel
Dreams evaporate
>>:::<<

Finch:  ”What!?  The other birds didn’t leave me any birdseed.  Bummer!  That’s discouraging.”

(Chronic ailments holding you back, leaving you feeling isolated?  Healing taking a long time?  Struggles visit unexpectedly or overstaying their welcome?  Many situations can leave a person feeling discouraged.)  I’m using one of my artwork “tools” again to help address emotions.  See my posting on Addressing Emotional Pain #2 – Tools.

Related article:

•  Waiting. Sadness. –  apostolcornel.wordpress.com

Other postings in my “Emotion:” series:

• Emotion: Anger
• Emotion: Fear
• Emotion: DoWnS and uPs
• Emotion: Irritable
• Emotion: Anticipation
• Emotion: Joy

Addressing Emotional Pain #3 – Body Awareness

Today, I expand on my earlier postings on body awareness as a tool for addressing emotional pain.  I’ve learned many important and enlightening things during my treatment sessions, which I share here…and yes, they are helping.

• “Emotion Focus Therapy” – Becoming more aware of the complexity and nature of feelings.
• “Mindfulness” – Noticing what you are feeling and where you are feeling certain emotions in the body.
• Emotion Focus Therapy and Mindfulness go hand in hand.  You have to be mindful of the body to identify what emotions are present.
• Identifying emotions combined with body awareness helps get to the core of issues and feelings.   Understanding emotions helps to realize what needs changing so they don’t persist and perpetuate a problem in the body.
• Body awareness helps address and process emotions, and gives the associated energy an outlet.
• Gradual exposure to an emotion, such as with body awareness, will lessen the intensity and lead to a greater understanding of what is happening.
• Emotions can motivate people to take action and address them.
• Every emotion has a corresponding physical manifestation.  This means that there is some sensation in the body occurring at the same time as the emotion (“I’m so sad my heart hurts.”  “I’m so angry my stomach is churning” etc.).  There can also be a chemical change in the body.  Hence:
• The mind and body are connected.  They are in harmony to protect you and are not fighting against each other.  “Dualism is dead!”
• Remember, “It’s natural to have emotional ups and downs,” per Dr. Andrew Weil on Spontaneous Happiness.

Emotion: Anticipation

Anticipation, a photomanipulation by Fergiemoto on Flickr.  (click on photo to enlarge)

>>:::<<
Glorious desires
to soar fresh wisps of heavens.
Awaiting next year!
>>:::<<

Have a very HAPPY NEW YEAR!
(Click here for a New Year greeting on my creativity blog.)

Emotion: Joy

Etegami – Joy, a photo by Fergiemoto on Flickr.  (click on photo to enlarge)

>>:::<<
Blissful vibrations
Delights of grandeur pours from
such simplicity!
>>:::<<

In the spirit of the holiday season, I am posting an image to represent the emotion of “joy.”  I will resume with more written posts and images after the new year.  (Click here to see a different haiku for the same image.)  Happy Holidays everyone!!

• Etegami 絵手紙 – Japanese word meaning picture letter/message, traditionally done in a postcard size meant to be mailed.  See my original posting here on etegami.
• Yorokobi 喜び - Joy

Other postings in my “Emotion:” series:

• Emotion: Anger
• Emotion: Fear
• Emotion: DoWnS and uPs
• Emotion: Irritable

Emotion: Irritable

Irritable Haiga, a photo by Fergiemoto on Flickr.  (Click on photo to enlarge)

>>:::<<
Fluttering embers
Glowing, traversing vigor.
Prodding annoyance.
>>:::<<

When I saw these two, it seemed like the duck facing us was irritated by the other duck.

Other postings in my “Emotion:” series:

• fergiemoto.wordpress.com – Emotion: Anger
• fergiemoto.wordpress.com – Emotion: Fear
• fergiemoto.wordpress.com – Emotion: DoWnS and uPs

Emotion: Fear

Peek-A-Boo, a photo by Fergiemoto on Flickr.  (Click on photo to enlarge)

>>:::<<
Quivering glances
Timid trust pleads for shutters
Mind-blast softens fright
>>:::<<

This is the third photo in my emotion series.  In reality, this bumble-bee seemed to be unconcerned about my presence.  As long as I didn’t disturb it or approach too closely, it just went about its business.   The results of this shot evoked some subtle feelings of hesitation and even trepidation, so I decided to enhance those feelings with some motion blur.

Related postings on “Emotion:” in this blog:

• fergiemoto.wordpress.com – Emotion: Anger
• fergiemoto.wordpress.com – Emotion: DoWnS and uPs

Emotion: DoWnS and uPs

DoWnS and uPs, a photo by Fergiemoto on Flickr.
(click on photo to enlarge)

>>:::<<
Lows – deep, dark, lonely
Sweet and sour emotions
Highs – rare, swift, feeble
>>:::<<

Here is another photo in my “emotion” series.  (see my posting on anger).  I saw a flower that had both droopy petals and lively petals, and thought I could use it to represent the experience of being on a rollercoaster ride of emotions.  Although, it could also apply to other rollercoaster challenges one is experiencing.  Obviously, I manipulated the photo and added some unnatural blurring to the flower to evoke the feeling I was looking for – instability even when experiencing the “ups.”

Emotion: Anger

Anger, a photo by Fergiemoto on Flickr.  (Click on photo to enlarge)

>>:::<<
Passionate lava
Erupts through delicate veins
Withering cyclone
>>:::<<

This is an attempt to take a photo that represents an emotion that I may be experiencing.  I would have a better and quicker variety of art to create if I could draw or paint, but since I don’t have those talents, I look for photo opportunities.  The intention is to release the energy caused by that particular emotion and become calmer.  Otherwise, the effects of the emotion will continue to build in the body with each occurrence.

As far as the bees, I watched them for a bit, taking several photos.  I like this one the best.  They continually fought with each other on the flower.  It seemed like the bee that was on the flower first was not in the mood to share it with another.

Body Awareness – Notice the details

Notice the details – Haiga, a photo by Fergiemoto on Flickr.  (Click on photo to enlarge)
This is my first submission to Kim Klassen’s Texture Tuesday

>>:::<<
Whispers of guidance
Subtle taps at awareness
Enlightened healing!
>>:::<<

The foot feels the foot when it feels the ground ~ Buddha

My previous posting on mindfulness meditation touched on the benefits of becoming more aware of the physical feelings in your body, both large and small.  Also, when you pay attention to and study your body, you begin to notice the physical sensations that occur in your body during a particular experience or emotion.

If you ask people what they feel in their body when they experience a certain emotion, a response you might get is, “I don’t know, I’ve never thought about it.”  People generally are not aware of these details.